I am stumped as to why men start out by saying they want a relationship and than they freak when dating starts to get a little too regular. I have to take the proverbial pants off in the relationship, while still keeping my real pants on which we all know is what the guys really want...boo! So by saying I am interested and having a good time spending time with them, they then see that as a weakness or some type of invitation for sex. Or so I am told lol.
I am not sure why I am so worried about dating anyhow I am in the middle of a really difficult class. It is only my second graduate school class and I am already overwhelmed. The teacher is way hard and is really a stickler for grammar which I have still yet to master and I am 27 years old. 27 and a grammar idiot lol! Anyhow, I digress...back to men. Yeah, I do not know what to do about them lol.
Maybe the whole playing hard to get really is not a big ole joke. I always preach honesty and saying what is on my mind, but apparently to a guy hearing that you had fun or are interested in him is scary? I mean I can see it being scary if I had fangs or a hairy upper lip. I can assure you that I have NEITHER. So now what? Time to take the ex's advice and play it cool. Time to focus on school and leave the dating thing alone or at least not put so much of my time and care into it. If I go out with someone then whatever...if it works then whatever. Right? I guess we shall see. 27 and single seems like I am pushing it. I do not want to be old and bitter searching for a man that is for damn sure.
5 comments:
Your ex is wrong. Or, more precisely, he is coaching you on rules to a game it sounds like you don't want to play.
You say you are 27. I'll assume your ex is roughly the same age as you. I would bet dollars to donuts your ex--like so many men in their 20s nowadays--is a product of the so-called "hook-up culture."
Men socialized within the hook-up culture tend to view emotional involvement and long-term relationships as evils to be avoided. For them, it ia all about hooking up--i.e. a series of casual, no-strings-attached, purely sexual relationships with a variety of different women.
Men who have internalized the values of the hook-up culture are interested in sex, but aren't that interested in women. Not really. Not as people. They really don't want to deal with women as human beings at all. They just want an ample supply of willing sex androids. That's where this idea that one can date with "too much emotion" comes from.
Frankly, I feel sorry for people your age, especially women. Once, women in their late 20s complained because their BFs wouldn't commit and marry them. Now, they cannot even get men to commit to being their BFs. Now, all these guys want is Friends-With-Benefits or some similar bullshit.
But the sad thing is, the guys are screwing themselves up, too. They just don't know it yet. Many guys have this delusional belief they can go on just hooking up well into their 30s and 40s. But that is just false.
First of all, that large pool of single, unattached women they swam in during their 20s will have largely dried up by the time they reach their 30s. Most of these women will be married or in committed relationships by then.
Secondly, the women in their 30s and 40s who remain unttached are not going to put up with being someone's sex android. Or very few will. They generally have too much confidence by then, have too much self-respect and self-esteem to allow themselves to be treated that way.
Anyway, that's my two cents worth. Sorry for rambling.
Your reply is awesome, very spot on. I'm so glad you're taking the time to read my posts and respond!! I've enjoyed reading it and giving some feedback.
I completely agree that the "hook-up culture" that you mention is really huge right now and I think its exactly what my dating issues have been. I meet men who are exactly how you mentioned. They don't want to feel anything so it freaks them out because all they wanted was no strings attached fun.
It really is sad that even finding good quality men who want to be a bf is hard. When you find the guy who wants to date its not usually the guy you want. This is why I think women are settling and marriages are ending because people realize they were never happy.
I so agree with you that men think they can just hook up at later ages and still live the fun single life. They really are kidding themselves. And then when they realize it at a later age and want to date. Who wants to teach a late 30s+ man how to date.
"When you find the guy who wants to date its not usually the guy you want."
Well, this opens up a whole different can of worms.
Men complain there is a huge difference between the kind of men women like, and the kind of men women are attracted to. Many men believe that by being intelligent, thoughtful, considerate and attentive, they are setting themselves up for romantic failure. Women just aren't interested in "nice guys." Supposedly, being a nice guy just gets you fast-tracked into the dreaded Friend Zone. Meanwhile, men who are cocky, conniving, dishonest and abusive supposedly have women lined up around the block, begging for their attention.
I dunno. This sounds suspiciously like sour grapes to me. I think that for the most part, this arguement masks a misplaced sense of entitlement. Sorry, buddy, but the woman of your dreams doesn't owe you a relationship just because you think you're a great guy! Life doesn't work that way!
However, there is a grain of truth in it as well. The arrogant, womanizing, macho asshole is a powerful image of masculinity in our culture. It isn't the only image, but it is a pretty dominant one. That means some women, to some extent, accept the idea that this is what "real men" are supposed to be like. Even if they don't always like their behavior, women are often drawn to men who live up to this stereotype. Men who don't live up to this swaggering standard often aren't taken seriously as romantic prospects, even though they possess many qualities women claim to admire.
But to be fair, men are exactly the same way. Maybe worse. Think about it. Are men generally drawn to the wittiest, kindest, funniest, most open-hearted women they know? Sadly, no. More often than not, they ignore these women, and waste their time chasing after the leggy, bubblehead blondes with the giant, silicon breasts.
I don't think we can help what we find we find attractive. But hopefully, we can mature enough not to give too much weight to the wrong things when we make decision about people.
Once again, sorry for rambling.
I think men who aren't the "typical" guys aren't as available. They aren't out there meeting women. So they say we want the bad guy or the typical jerk, but that is what we meet. That is who we see out, or on dating websites. Where the hell is the nice guy? That's what I wonder? You have to be 1% of the lucky ones and meet him somewhere random at like Starbucks. I can't go to Starbucks, Borders and other "nice guy places" everyday. How do nice girls meet nice guys and get away from the typical guy.
Dennis please ramble on I'm enjoying the insight!
I think with us ladies we are open to meeting all different guys. With guys I think sometimes you guys absolutely refuse to go outside of your "type".
"I think men who aren't the "typical" guys aren't as available. They aren't out there meeting women. So they say we want the bad guy or the typical jerk, but that is what we meet. That is who we see out, or on dating websites. Where the hell is the nice guy?"
Damn. Know what? You're absolutely right. I never thought of that before.
But I have to say, I don't think the "typical" guy is a douchebag. However, most of the venues avaialable for meeting people do tend to favor that demographic. I am gonn ahave to chew on that for while.
Let me process this and get back to you. I honestly don't have s good answer for you right now.
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