Why I don't care to meet my father

My entire life I spent wondering who my father was and where he was. I wondered why he didn't want to keep me. I use to absolutely hate this person I didn't even know because I felt cheated. I had periods of time where I wanted to find him just to make him pay child support for all of the years he should have so I could have paid for college and not taken out loans.

The older I got I realized I didn't need to live in the past. My entire life I knew his first name but my mother wouldn't tell me his last. I'll be honest I was angry with her for not telling me. Not too long ago my grandmother told me his entire name. My first thought was to find him and figure out what happened. I spent maybe two hours googling and trying to find him. He has a very general name that hundreds of others do so I didn't find any strong leads just a lot of people that could have been. When I realized that I realized I didn't care actually find out. I wasn't going to waste time trying to figure out who he was when he never wanted to know who I was.

I don't regret not knowing my father. My family is nontraditional  I am closest to my grandmother and sister and then my mother. My mother and I have work to do but we love each other a lot we just aren't close. I want to be better friends with my mom. My father missed out on a really great person in his life but quite frankly it's his loss and not mine. I don't care to know if I have other siblings, my sister is the only one I want in my life!

My family is my life. I have my core. My grandmother and grandfather, sister, mom and my nephew. They're the people who I will do anything for. I'm almost glad I don't know him because at this point I appreciate being me and I wouldn't be who I am if things were different.

Am I ready for 30?

In 1997, Pamela Redmond Satran, wrote a great piece called 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30 well it resurfaced on Huffington Post not too long ago and I had the opportunity to read it. With my thirtieth birthday quickly approaching I felt it was important to take a deep look at this list and I wanted to share it here. I will share her thirty things with my own commentary next to each item.

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. I'm actually going through this right now. I have that one guy that I want to go back to because we didn't have the chance to truly live out things the way they were suppose to be.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. Does my bed count? Or maybe my rockin ikea dresser that I put together.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. There is always something perfect for that moment.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. Thank you, Marc Jacobs for my lovely purse that I live with. Thank you, Jeep for my awesome hard suitcase. Ok so when it comes to umbrellas I actually don't own one. I'm opposed to it because in Chicago the wind always blows umbrellas up and I'd just rather avoid that mess haha. 

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. Definitely. 

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. Nah, I better hurry though. 30 is in a month! 

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it. Oh I know I'm going to get old and I make good money but how is it that I still live check to check with so many bills. Good old life. 

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you. Amen! 

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. I'm proud of it and its very honest.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. I have that friend. She is the best type of friend a person can have. We laugh hard and are honest with each other to the point that I have cried before. She's picked me up from crying through the tough times. 

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. A cordless drill? Really? Nah I don't even want one lol. What am I going to drill? 

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. Does a new car count?

13. The belief that you deserve it. I really genuinely do believe that. Sometimes I need to remind myself though.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. Horrible at this. I need both. I suck at skin care because I don't even really think about it and I barely work out. I need to get in the gym I know it'll make me happier.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. I have a good start on the career I want to be in! I know who I want to be with in a relationship. It simply isn't the right time. I have a strong belief that they are the right person though. 

By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. I've never really had true long lasting love but I'm at the point in my life I can deal and not lose who I am. Only grow more and stronger.

2. How you feel about having kids. I know I don't want them. Well I didn't until I met that guy and he really wanted to them. 

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. Been there, done that and have definitely done that as well. 

4. When to try harder and when to walk away. I struggle with knowing this sometimes. Sometimes I'm afraid to keep on trying if I am not sure things will end up perfectly. 

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. Yep ;)

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. Man I suck at this well accept of course I know my granny who passed.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. I've done it. It's boring but I can do it. 

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing. The place is near my window so I can look at the amazing city lights. 

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. Ok.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. I think I've known this a really long time. 

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. I think people will never truly know this unless in the situation. Love and money make us do crazy things. 

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. Definitely know this. 

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. Definitely a difficult thing to learn. Especially the part about taking it personally. 

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. I'm horrible at this. I'm the queen of throwing out the words I'm sorry and also asking what's wrong. Two things I have to stop.

15. Why they say life begins at 30 I cannot wait to find out! 

I'll be honest. I did this more for myself in preparation of becoming 30. I'm not necessarily afraid of turning 30 but I know I haven't lived my life to the fullest yet. I really hope 30 is when life begins because I think I'm finally ready for it to begin.