Why I don't care to meet my father

My entire life I spent wondering who my father was and where he was. I wondered why he didn't want to keep me. I use to absolutely hate this person I didn't even know because I felt cheated. I had periods of time where I wanted to find him just to make him pay child support for all of the years he should have so I could have paid for college and not taken out loans.

The older I got I realized I didn't need to live in the past. My entire life I knew his first name but my mother wouldn't tell me his last. I'll be honest I was angry with her for not telling me. Not too long ago my grandmother told me his entire name. My first thought was to find him and figure out what happened. I spent maybe two hours googling and trying to find him. He has a very general name that hundreds of others do so I didn't find any strong leads just a lot of people that could have been. When I realized that I realized I didn't care actually find out. I wasn't going to waste time trying to figure out who he was when he never wanted to know who I was.

I don't regret not knowing my father. My family is nontraditional  I am closest to my grandmother and sister and then my mother. My mother and I have work to do but we love each other a lot we just aren't close. I want to be better friends with my mom. My father missed out on a really great person in his life but quite frankly it's his loss and not mine. I don't care to know if I have other siblings, my sister is the only one I want in my life!

My family is my life. I have my core. My grandmother and grandfather, sister, mom and my nephew. They're the people who I will do anything for. I'm almost glad I don't know him because at this point I appreciate being me and I wouldn't be who I am if things were different.

Am I ready for 30?

In 1997, Pamela Redmond Satran, wrote a great piece called 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30 well it resurfaced on Huffington Post not too long ago and I had the opportunity to read it. With my thirtieth birthday quickly approaching I felt it was important to take a deep look at this list and I wanted to share it here. I will share her thirty things with my own commentary next to each item.

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. I'm actually going through this right now. I have that one guy that I want to go back to because we didn't have the chance to truly live out things the way they were suppose to be.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. Does my bed count? Or maybe my rockin ikea dresser that I put together.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. There is always something perfect for that moment.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. Thank you, Marc Jacobs for my lovely purse that I live with. Thank you, Jeep for my awesome hard suitcase. Ok so when it comes to umbrellas I actually don't own one. I'm opposed to it because in Chicago the wind always blows umbrellas up and I'd just rather avoid that mess haha. 

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. Definitely. 

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. Nah, I better hurry though. 30 is in a month! 

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it. Oh I know I'm going to get old and I make good money but how is it that I still live check to check with so many bills. Good old life. 

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you. Amen! 

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. I'm proud of it and its very honest.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. I have that friend. She is the best type of friend a person can have. We laugh hard and are honest with each other to the point that I have cried before. She's picked me up from crying through the tough times. 

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. A cordless drill? Really? Nah I don't even want one lol. What am I going to drill? 

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. Does a new car count?

13. The belief that you deserve it. I really genuinely do believe that. Sometimes I need to remind myself though.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. Horrible at this. I need both. I suck at skin care because I don't even really think about it and I barely work out. I need to get in the gym I know it'll make me happier.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. I have a good start on the career I want to be in! I know who I want to be with in a relationship. It simply isn't the right time. I have a strong belief that they are the right person though. 

By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. I've never really had true long lasting love but I'm at the point in my life I can deal and not lose who I am. Only grow more and stronger.

2. How you feel about having kids. I know I don't want them. Well I didn't until I met that guy and he really wanted to them. 

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. Been there, done that and have definitely done that as well. 

4. When to try harder and when to walk away. I struggle with knowing this sometimes. Sometimes I'm afraid to keep on trying if I am not sure things will end up perfectly. 

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. Yep ;)

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. Man I suck at this well accept of course I know my granny who passed.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. I've done it. It's boring but I can do it. 

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing. The place is near my window so I can look at the amazing city lights. 

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. Ok.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. I think I've known this a really long time. 

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. I think people will never truly know this unless in the situation. Love and money make us do crazy things. 

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. Definitely know this. 

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. Definitely a difficult thing to learn. Especially the part about taking it personally. 

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. I'm horrible at this. I'm the queen of throwing out the words I'm sorry and also asking what's wrong. Two things I have to stop.

15. Why they say life begins at 30 I cannot wait to find out! 

I'll be honest. I did this more for myself in preparation of becoming 30. I'm not necessarily afraid of turning 30 but I know I haven't lived my life to the fullest yet. I really hope 30 is when life begins because I think I'm finally ready for it to begin.

Accepting a lie is accepting your own defeat

Accepting a liars lies is like accepting your own defeat. Don't let someone beat you by letting them lie to you. -Nycole aka me 

For the most part we have all been hurt before by someone we loved or cared for deeply. Whether that person be a significant other, family member or friend. Whether or not someone has the ability to hurt us depends on whether or not we give that person power to do so. I've been thinking about this a lot yesterday because I had quite the text blow out with an ex after believing some things he told me about the future and wanting to try again but then finding stuff online which obviously showed he was not so sincere. 

Sometimes I think we let people lie to us because we hope and pray that they don't really mean it or it's just a one time thing. But at what point does the one time mistake get old when you continue to use that excuse for a liar. I think I've let people lie to me because I take some blame for the reason they're lying. It is not the brightest thing I have done but I am not perfect and I have chosen to believe someone who says they care but shows the opposite.  After doing much thinking I realized I didn't miss this actual person or want that actual person back in my life I just wanted the feeling that I use to feel when I was with them. Sometimes people can be replaceable but the feeling is the one we need to fight for and look for in someone else.

I personally do not understand why people lie to those that they tell they love. What is the point of uttering those words if they are just a lie or a cover up? Why are people so afraid to stand alone in life that they hurt other just to keep them there while they plan their next move? It's not acceptable and I think people should take responsibility for the pain they cause others.

We as people need to be stronger and not accept the lies we know people are telling us. Even if its a tiny lie about where they were or why they are late, there is a reason they are lying. Most likely it leads to something much bigger that could break you if and when you find it out. We have to leave relationships as winners even if it hurts like hell in the moment. It's better to take momentary pain then permanent scaring. 

The Value of a Life Coach

“A problem cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness in which it was created.”                                                                                                                                                - Albert Einstein


For several years I have always considered and toyed around with the idea of getting a life coach. I love the idea of having someone give you feedback and help you create a path. It's something I always thought about but never moved on until a few months back. I felt very stuck in life and really needed to make a move but needed something different to motivate me and push me in the right direction. I started to research life coaching in Chicago. What I found was that it is a pretty expensive service. I then decided to dig a bit deeper and found a Facebook site where several different life coaches were offering free series of sessions in return for your testimonial and feedback. I love things like that. I don't have the money to toss away right now with moving so being able to take advantage of a really helpful service for free is awesome. More things need to be like that in the world. There are things we all need or would benefit from greatly but miss out on because we cannot afford it. So often these things are things that can help us! 

I chose a coach named Greg, who interestingly enough lives in Australia. I have spoken with him on the phone three times and he has been a really helpful tool. He started by getting an idea of what I wanted from my life and what I needed to make those adjustments and achieve what I wanted. We took a look into my past to get a feel for why I am how I am today. I am and have always been a perfectionist, so badly that to me I only see perfection and failure. I don't see a middle ground within myself. I am by far my own worst enemy. Greg and I are working on seeing the difference between something not being a failure if it doesn't go the way you want but instead just using the result you get as feedback to keep moving forward. It sounds very simple but we all have behaviors that we are pretty attached to that won't just change overnight even when we know they aren't the best for us. I have found that it's very important to not skip over trying something because you aren't sure you can perfect it. There is a lot of worth in going after something and getting feedback but continuing to work for it. Not even time you swing the bat, are you going to hit a home run. Sometimes you'll hit a triple and you'll have made progress to where you want to be. Something less than what you set out to achieve isn't failure it's progress or feedback. I honestly love having these conversations with Greg because he opens me up to a lot of really great ways to see the world. 

Each and every one of us has something we do not like about ourselves and could benefit from the help or assistance from others to make us better. For me a life coach is something that can make me a better all around person. Some people need a trainer, psychologist or whatever it may be. The point is that needing someone to help give you the push or path to guide you to where you want to be isn't a bad thing. Reaching out to make yourself better is only a good thing. The real weakness is thinking you can take on the world on your own. Success, happiness, world domination...or whatever it is you're seeking all takes time and we can only be better at what we do when we are open to figuring out the best possible way to make things happen!  If you have ever considered seeing a life coach or asking someone for advice but think you'll seem weak I urge you to shake that feeling and talk to someone. You might already be great, but what is the harm in continuing to get better?

Tipping Etiquette

Quite often I have wondered how much to tip when it came to services and really everything beyond eating out at a restaurant. I'm a very generous person if the service is good so I always want to make sure I'm giving enough. Not knowing the proper tipping etiquette can actually be rather stressful. Have you ever gotten your hair or nails done and loved them, but had no idea what the proper tip was? I still to this day have no idea so I way over tip. Knowing how to tip the housekeeper, forget it, I'm clueless when it come to that too. There are even times when you can tip but its not necessary, but how do you know? How about after a massage, do you tip? You're suppose to. I have massage merchants who consistently share stories of being stiffed. I'm convinced people just don't know better. 

For those out there like me I did some research and put together a list of the basic services and their tipping rules. Hopefully this can be helpful for you, if you aren't sure all the time just like me.

• Restaurant- The standard is 15%. I tend to do 20%+ if the service is good though. Quite frankly I think the standard should be 20% in 2012 when the cost of living is outrageous. People do not be confused, all too often lately I have heard from men that the standard their grandma taught them was 10%....NOT TRUE anymore!! Tip well :) 
• Bar- The same goes for the bar, tip 15% and 20%+ if the service is great. Sometimes I'll just do $1 a drink to make it easy. 
• Speaking of restaurants and bars...if you're using a Coupon or Daily Deal discount....TIP ON THE TOTAL before the discount comes off. This is a huge, yet common mistake. 
• Massage therapist- 15%
• Nails- 15%
• Hair stylist- 15-20% I also learned you should tip your shampoo girl (sorry all girls of the past). 
• Car Detailing- 10% Make sure to tip appropriately also depending on the # of attendants working.
• Food Delivery - 15% (I try to tip at least $2-3 minimum)
• Taxi- 15%
• Valet- Tip when the car is returned $2-3

If you can think of any please add on!! 

Weight Loss Challenge....to self!

Over the past couple of years I have started to shed some unnecessary pounds. I honestly haven't had any major gains or anything and have been about the same since my early 20s, but I realized although I love me I'd love me even better a few sizes smaller fitting into the cutest clothes lol. Last year total I lost about 18 lbs and I think that was a mix of going to the gym and eating new things that were just better. I'm not that person that can sit down and eat a bag of chips or a tub of ice cream but I am the lazy lady that will pick up fast food way too often because it is the easy thing to do. At the beginning of the year I joined Weight Watchers to get me going. So far this year I have lost 8 lbs which I am happy about but it's not nearly where I want to be. I am ready to start shedding a lot more weight.

I plan to really get back into the game and start going back to the game and totally taking fast food 100% out of my life. Also....drum roll....POP. No more pop and I need to cut down on beer. Honestly the hardest part isn't that I crave these things it is that they are EASY and I hate cooking. I told my roommate tonight that its time to step up and we need to cook together and it'll help me shed some lbs and save some money!!

What I need....EASY and AFFORDABLE recipes that don't take a lot of time but that taste good!! If you have any please share. If you've been here and succeeded share your secrets and tips. 

Before I die...

Before I die....

how would you finish that sentence?

1. Get married. 
2. Experience true love.
3. Make a difference in the lives of others. 
4. See my nephew grow up. 
5. See my family a lot more. 
6. Get out of the country and see what is out there. 
7. Own a home.
8. Save money so that I can retire.
9. Write a book.
10. Work for Facebook or Twitter.

What would you say??