I Lolla'd and I liked it.

This is slightly past due in posting. By slightly, I mean over a week!

I have to say that I had the best weekend ever during Lollapalooza. I spent time with my two closest friends celebrating my best friends birthday. I feel so appreciative to be lucky enough to have great friends that I can have a blast with. Heard some great music and drank lots of beer. Also, got my exercise for the week in walking all over the place.

Things like Lollapalooza remind me why Chicago is such an amazing city to live. Events like this cause massive traffic and hassle but when you get to actually attend them, traffic hassle seems to disappear.

30 continues to be my favorite year of all time. Mainly, because I've been lucky enough to keep getting better as a person and spend it with people I love.

When a Father Figure is all you needed. Thanks Grandpa!

On Fathers Day, I sat patiently in the waiting area of the car wash scrolling through Facebook to pass the time. A lot of status messages were people wishing their dad a Happy Father's Day. A few sad posts from people who had lost their dad and wished they had more time with them. I got really emotional and sad for those friends who were missing someone. No Father's Day has ever effected me the way it did this year. Honestly, every year I just get my grandfather a card and give him call to remind him how important he is to me.

Before I keep going, you may be wondering why I only do something for my grandpa each year. Well I do not have a father, and no I am not a test tube baby...silly people. I am 30 years old and I have never met my father. In fact, I didn't know his name until last year. Oddly enough I don't even remember his name today. I'm sure a few jaws have dropped by now. My grandfather, his name is Ken, well grandpa to me, but you get the idea is the only "dad" I have ever had and will ever need. This brings me back to why I got emotional on Father's Day. After reading everyones messages I realized regardless of whether or not I had a dad I didn't miss out at all. When I was younger I use to hope my dad would want to find me but it was more because I felt rejected and I wanted him to spring up and show me that I was awesome and he made a mistake. I didn't miss having a dad, I wanted validation that I was worth it.

My grandpa is awesome, no seriously, you will agree as you continue to read. So the thing is, he isn't big on emotions. He will partake in the awkward hug but he doesn't really say I love you. Honestly, I don't care about that. My grandpa has shown more love than most peoples dads can in a lifetime. With that being said, on Father's Day I gave him a call and burst out crying. I cried, because for the first time I really needed to express to him that not only is he an awesome grandpa but because of him I never needed a dad. I don't get sad about not having a dad because of him. I'm pretty sure my grandpa knows this deep down but nothing like your 30 year old granddaughter crying like a baby to remind you and make things a little awkward. He thanked me, made sure I was ok and promptly asked if I wanted to talk to grandma now.

Being a father figure to a child that isn't yours is the ultimate volunteer project. I mean, think about it. Father figures don't initially sign up to be a major role model for that child. One way or another that child came into their life and they made the decision to be a father figure and take the place of someone who wasn't doing their job. In so many ways this person deserves the most credit of all. We all know what volunteering means, unpaid! You volunteer to make a difference in the lives of others. What motivates someone to volunteer for this intense life long project? The reasoning might be slightly different for each man. I'd like to think my grandpa did it because he is a very genuine man who loves with his entire heart even if he doesn't say it. It didn't hurt that I was so darn cute with my curly hair.

Alight, I've talked my grandpa up a lot. I know you are all jealous and dying to know why he is so awesome. My grandpa is the epitome of a "rockin" father figure! When I was younger we use to go to the county fair together and watch the horse races. We even went to this really cool horse track and my grandpa let me bet $2 on whatever horse I wanted. I remember thinking that was the coolest thing ever.

Our first concert w attended was Willie Nelson, at the Lorain Country Fair. I was maybe in fifth grade. We climbed onto the track after the concert and waited outside of his tour bus hoping Willie would sign my red bandana. He did! Anyone else hop onto race tracks at the country fair and wait around for superstars to sign autographs with their grandpa? It only got cooler from there. Sixth grade my grandpa and I went to see Aerosmith. It was during the Eat the Rich concert, I remember because my grandpa thought it was hilarious to buy me an Eat the Rich t-shirt with a cow udder. Lets just say that grandma didn't think it was awesome and I never got to wear that t-shirt in sixth grade. Over the years my grandpa and I have gone to many many concert. We have seen Rolling Stones, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, Ozzy Osbourne...twice, Bush, Tom Petty and so many more!! These memories will last me a lifetime and have helped shape who I am today.

Lets hop back in the time machine and go back even further.When I was a young kid and I use to travel the Midwest to dog sled race with my grandparents. My grandpa was and still is an undercover Eskimo. He loves the winter and being outdoors with his dogs. I grew up on 64 acres with my grandparents. There are dog sled trails on our property to train the dogs and because my grandpa is a man who loves nature and space. It's so cool. At any given time my grandpa would have 20-30 sled dogs in the dog yard. They all had their own little home and loved it. Not many kids get to experience this life. I'm sure glad I got to.

I wish I had more photos with my grandpa. He is a tad camera shy. No Instagram selfies in his day. My grandpa really is the coolest dude though. I always say he looks like one of the guys from ZZ Top. When I think about it he could be one of those guys. I mean not really but I can't say I've ever seen ZZ Top and my grandpa in one room. You can draw your own conclusion on that.

Anyhow, I'm going to make sure my grandpa reads this. I'm sure he will find a lot of grammatical errors because he is the smartest human being I've ever met, but I sure hope he loves it. I also hope he has an even better idea of what a kick ass grandpa and father figure he is. Love you, Gramps!!

Next shout out is for you grandma...watch out ;)!!

Family...they are everything!

Everytime I come back from Ohio I miss my family. Now this time I have even more to miss...my super adorable little nephew! He is the cutest kid ever and I'm not just saying this because he's my nephew. I mean come on look at him!! I never thought I would love a little kid so much. I'm not the girl who craves motherhood or holding babies. In fact holding babies freaks me out, but when I got to Ohio for the holidays I instantly loved that little guy. I got to babysit him twice and it's fun but wow it's not easy. I give my sister so much credit. She is an amazing mother and works so hard to provide for her little one. She's so young herself but so mature! I can't wait to see my nephew and family more often. I'm going to try to go home more this year do I can see my family and watch him grow.

I also realized that I need to spend more time with my grandparents. They're the most special people in my life and they are fragile. While I was home my grandfather was in the ER and had surgery on Christmas. It was the scariest thing. He is ok now and I feel that we got a Christmas miracle they day.

My family is filled with strong people. My grandparents, sister, mom and now my nephew are all so important to me. I want to be a better family person and be there more so they know how much I love and need them.

Why I don't care to meet my father

My entire life I spent wondering who my father was and where he was. I wondered why he didn't want to keep me. I use to absolutely hate this person I didn't even know because I felt cheated. I had periods of time where I wanted to find him just to make him pay child support for all of the years he should have so I could have paid for college and not taken out loans.

The older I got I realized I didn't need to live in the past. My entire life I knew his first name but my mother wouldn't tell me his last. I'll be honest I was angry with her for not telling me. Not too long ago my grandmother told me his entire name. My first thought was to find him and figure out what happened. I spent maybe two hours googling and trying to find him. He has a very general name that hundreds of others do so I didn't find any strong leads just a lot of people that could have been. When I realized that I realized I didn't care actually find out. I wasn't going to waste time trying to figure out who he was when he never wanted to know who I was.

I don't regret not knowing my father. My family is nontraditional  I am closest to my grandmother and sister and then my mother. My mother and I have work to do but we love each other a lot we just aren't close. I want to be better friends with my mom. My father missed out on a really great person in his life but quite frankly it's his loss and not mine. I don't care to know if I have other siblings, my sister is the only one I want in my life!

My family is my life. I have my core. My grandmother and grandfather, sister, mom and my nephew. They're the people who I will do anything for. I'm almost glad I don't know him because at this point I appreciate being me and I wouldn't be who I am if things were different.

Friends...having great ones or a lot of them?

When my birthday came knocking I became kind of emotional. Not even because I was turning 29 (I don't look it so it doesn't stress me out) but because I thought I hadn't made enough friends in my "old age". When it came time to create the invite list for dinner it was pretty short. Up until a good friend gave me a good mental shaking I was really sad and started to think that maybe I had made a mistake by not taking the time to make more friends over the years. I realized when my friend gave me the "mental shake" that it was so much more important to have a handful of friends you could truly count on then have a huge group of friends to that could just fill a table at a birthday party but would never be there if you needed them.

I see people with large groups of friends but really how many of those people can you count on to help you through anything. Those are the people that count. The rest are just filler. I think it's important to always continue to make great quality friends but my being emotional about it really wasn't necessary I realized. So many more things to stress about in life. I chose to not talk to people from high school because frankly I have nothing in common with them and it just does not really interest me in the least. I keep contact with my closest college friends.

Sometimes it takes a bit of an irrational moment to really wake us up and help us see what really matters. I should know...I have my fair share of irrational moments but I believe in learning from my mistakes and being honest with myself no matter how hard it is to get to the point where you can learn.

Adventures with Grandma in Chicago & Ohio family time!

Day 1- Saturday, July 17th
Picked grandma up at the train and headed on over to White Palace on Roosevelt/Canal. Yet another place that Shawn put me on to. They have really good breakfast. I love little diners. This one was on some TV show also. Forget the name of it, but that annoying guy that does the Fridays commercials is the host.We then came home and rested before going to the Shedd Aquarium. We valeted so we did not have to wait in the long line outside which had to have been about a 1-2 hour wait. We got in to the Will Call line and that was at least a 30 minute wait. I have heard so many great things about the Shedd so I had high expectations. We went in line and got our tickets and the lady apparently didn't understand English because she did not give me the right ticket so we were unable to get into the big show. All in all I am 100% disappointed in the Shedd. I'd never go back. There was nothing interesting to see and its overcrowded. It really made me dislike kids way more than I ever have before. Dislike their parents way way more because they let their little people run around like chickens with their heads off.

After the Shedd we went home to take a breather and just relax. Finally we decided to go to dinner, we tried Sushi Pink, I had a Restaurant.com certificate so I wanted to try it out. It was so so. I doubt I'll go back, there was nothing special about it. Subpar food and choices, I've had much better!! When we were down we headed to Navy Pier, I bought a Sunset Lake Cruise for us to check out the lake. So all was going well until we were driving at like 1mph going up 7 floors in the garage and all of a sudden my car decides overheating would be a good idea. The idiots at Car X (on Irving Park) not only do not fix what they say they do but they make things worse. My car has NEVER overheated until they FIXED the fan. Hmmm that isn't my definition of fixed. So whatever we finally park as the car pointer thing is on the red part so its hot and pissed off. We get to the elevator and IT IS BROKE. So down we go SEVEN flights of stairs. Mind you my grandma is in her early 70s so this was not a good idea at all. We finally got to go on the Sunset Lake Cruise and it was very nice.

Day 2- Sunday, July 18th
Sunday we decided to lay low it was about 99 with the humidity, and who wants to be in that crap. We went to brunch at Stanley's on Racine, not nearly as good as the one on Lincoln. I wouldn't go back to that Stanley's not for brunch anyhow. The weather decided to decline and poor down rain, while maintaining its hot hellish temps.

For dinner we went to Hot Chocolate. I have been here before just for dessert, which was really good.

Day 3- Monday, July 19th
After more car overheating issues my grandma and I took a quick trip to Car X to have them look it over. We stopped at Alps East which is a nice diner to have some breakfast and wait for the car to get looked at. Of course they didn't fix it then. Always drama at Car X. I no longer support them or recommend them at all!!

After car drama was over it was time for the fun to begin. We took a trip to the Skydeck. Keep in mind I'm super afraid of heights but I thought this was something that would be really fun! We went and even walked out onto the Ledge. Lots of fun!! After that we needed a phenomenal dinner so we went to La Scarola which is by far my favorite place to eat in the entire city. I love their Salmon and Risotto...best meal in the entire city!!

Day 4- Tuesday, July 20th
What an end to a great trip! We started with La Peep for breakfast. Very very hard to find parking but when we finally did breakfast was good. We then went back home to relax. Had some pizza for lunch and got everything and packed ready to go. So I called a cab and they didnt send one so I had to walk to the street and wait 10 minutes to grab one. We JUST made it to Amtrak with only 3 minutes till the train would have left without us. Very scary!!

OHIO TIME!
I then spent about 5 days home in Ohio with family and had a great time! Spent a lot of time with my mom and my sister Callie. It was great to see her and her new place. Did some shopping.

I also got to spend time with friends from BGSU who I had not seen since Homecoming 2004. YIKES!! I cannot believe I let it go that long. I am so disappointed in myself. We had such a great time hanging out and having LOTS of drinks downtown Cleveland!

Here is a picture of my friend Loren and Doria!!

I <3 BGSU FALCONS ALUMS!!

Men who choose not to be fathers

This is a follow up to my letter to my father (see previous blog). My father chose not to be a father, and my mom let him make that choice. I struggle with whether or not I think that is ok. Should a man have a choice as to whether or not he will be in his child's life? When a man and woman sleep together they are both equally making the decision to have sex (duh, I know). Most do not consider children in the process. Well when a girl ends up pregnant she ultimately can choose to keep the child or abort. A man at this point has no choice, his life is wavering while he waits for the girl to make a decision. He could choose to run for the hills, but then he is a bad guy in everyones eyes. I have always questioned if a guy should have an option. If a woman can ultimately choose whether or not to have an abortion when she finds out she is pregnant, she is deciding whether or not she wants to be a mom. Should a guy have a choice? Is the only answer that people just should not be having sex unless they are ready to be parents? That is beyond unrealistic, the world is not going to stop having sex because they fear pregnancy. So what is the answer? Does a guy deserve a choice?

Sometimes I think maybe he should have a choice, even in the situation I'm in, I still think that. What would ideally happen if he made the choice was that he would then be available to contact later on in life just so the child could know who he is. I know that once a man is in the child's life there are financial expectations, and maybe that is why some run, or maybe its because they just made a mistake or aren't ready. Who knows.

Also, on the other side, when a girl makes a choice to abort should a man have a say? Unfortunately he really does not. You cannot force a girl to carry a child for 9 months.

I'm really curious how other people feel about these situations...share your thoughts please!!

**Took the picture of some random website. Googled "father", so in no way is this man related to the post. He is a hottie though ;) wink wink!

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I know you do not know me. In fact you might not even know I exist. I know you were probably young and not ready to have me, but shit happens. I happened, and my mother kept me. I am 27 years old and every one of those years I have wondered about you. Did you ever wonder if I was alive? Did you ever wonder if my mother kept me? Sometimes I wonder what you are like. Sometimes I wonder if I have siblings. If I had siblings I do not know how I would feel about it. My sister is the only sibling I want and need. She's amazing and I love her. When I was younger I always held out hope that somehow you would find your way into my life. I have a step father, and he is a waste of space.

I have never once called someone dad in my life because I technically never had one. It is awkward to tell people that you do not know a parent, and then expect them to think you're still normal. When I think about it, not having a parent seems really traumatizing and just all out sad. I feel like I should have gotten an MTV reality show or something out of this lol. All I got was this t-shirt, just kidding! I always really wanted to be able to call someone dad. I will never have that opportunity.

Without you, I grew a whole mess of male issues. I trust the wrong men because I want acceptance. The only man I can truly say who has always been there for me and loved me unconditionally is my grandfather. He was the closest thing to a father that I'll ever have.  My grandfather was amazing, I think he knew that I needed a positive role model and he stepped up and was a friend. I need that. My grandparents took your place because you couldn't be a real man and step up when you found out.

I'm going to be 28 this year and it seems pretty surreal to think that I will never ever know who my father was. I wish I could say that by now it really just does not matter, but I do not think I will ever be able to say that. I know I will always wonder and I will always take it personally. I take rejection to heart because you taught me rejection before I was even born. I grew up with the sick need to do things perfectly or be too afraid to do them. They say that you are who you are because of what you have been through. I cannot say that not having a father did anything positive, its just given me issues I have had to deal with my entire life. The things I have been through that have effected me positively had nothing to do with your absence.

-Me

P.S. You totally missed out, I was like the cutest kid ever!

I Moved!!!

I just moved after living in my apartment for four and a half years. I am so happy to be out of that apartment and I feel like this gives me a fresh start. I have a roommate now, which is super new because I have only had a roommate before for one school year. That went well for the most part so I have high hopes. Now that I am moved I want to focus on school and get back into working out. I have been in my head too much this past month due to issues at my job and I'm done dealing with drama. Sometimes you have to look at a job as just that.

This weekend my wonderful mother and sister came to visit which was really awesome. It was much needed family time and we got the most out of it. My sister also brought her boyfriend and he is a very nice boy. I'm very happy for her!! We spent time running errands, eating out and just relaxing in the new place. They got to hang out with my neighbor who is a long time friend and that was a fun time and a very long night lol. When family leaves I always get so sad. I wish that Indiana was not in the middle of Ohio and Illinois lol. The trip isn't too bad but it's not something to do every weekend. I will be planning a trip home sometime over the summer. My sister will be taking her state boards for massage therapy and I know she'll do great so we can celebrate. I hope that she'll be back around her birthday also!!

After my family left I went out to find a desk and a chair because I need to make my second room more of an office and not just a room with tons of boxes ha. I have to start going through everything and hide all the boxes in the second closet. My closet is heaven in my main room!! I got a cute small desk, which I still have to put together and I got this really cute pink chair which you see in the picture that I made when I got home. 

Now it's time to do some more homework and get some readings done. Grad school....crazy!!

Not knowing my father...

When I was younger, I use to use not knowing my father as an excuse to be sad, angry or unwanted. The truth is I have no idea how to feel about it as an adult. My mother was 19 when she got pregnant and had me a month after she turned 20 years old. I'm not even sure if my father knew I existed, or was going to exist. My mother told me that my father told her he didn't want a child, and sent her off with money to get an abortion. I don't know if I believe this. My mother has fought tooth and nail with me, so she wouldn't have to tell me who he is.

I've always been angry at my mother because of this, but I'm starting to realize she was 19 years old and could have easily taken the easy way out. She didn't, I'm here, I'm thankful. My mother and I have never been super close and that makes me really sad, it's been tough for me especially in my adulthood. We try and we have made a relationship but it's still growing. I feel like there is just always something holding us back. There are so many things she doesn't know about me because I just don't feel comfortable talking to her. My grandmother on the other hand has always been there for me and has always been someone I can talk to. She knows everything about me. I love that I have someone I can trust. It does make me sad though that my mother isn't a person I can tell things. My sister, whose 9 years younger is a great girl and we're getting closer with each year that goes by. I'm also close with my grandfather who was a replacement father to put it best. He took me to concerts and taught me to be open to different things in life. We had a lot of fun. So really did I miss out by not having a father? I don't know if I did. 

From time to time, especially when having issues with men, I start to think about the what if's and what could have beens, if I'd known my father. I also have a horrible angry streak that forces me to feel like he owes me, and I shouldn't be in all the debt I'm in because he should have been a father and helped pay for it. But who am I kidding, I don't even know if this guy knows I'm alive. If he does, he's a coward. I can't imagine not wanting to know your own child. I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with the situation, because it's pretty confusing. Whenever I see those shows where people find their long lost family members, I honestly am envious. Even to just know what he looks like, what he does for a living, if he has a family, all of that might be fulfilling to know. But then I don't know if I'd be able to only know so much and then leave it alone. Life is full of so many unknowns, this might be the biggest one I've ever struggled with. It's a lifelong struggle. 

Some of the littlest things that you need a dad for, I won't have one there for. I won't have a father to walk me down the aisle, but I really think I'd love for my grandparents to do it. If I look back I can honestly say that no real moments passed me by that having a father could have made better.

Is it Spring yet?

When I was little I use to love the winter and the snow. Being bundled up in a snowsuit out in the cold weather with my grandparents and our dogs was the best. My grandparents have sled dogs, kind of like Alaska and the Iditarod. That reference usually creates the light bulb over the head moment for most. So I grew up traveling during winter weekends to different sled dog races in below zero temps. It was great to be a part of it, and such a unique experience.

 Winter use to be great, use to is the key word. As an adult I struggle to enjoy anything about the cold weather and snow. I honestly think the only salvageable positive qualities of the winter is cute winter coats, and cute boots. Chicago got hit with a medium snowstorm the other day, about 6-8 inches. From that small amount, I got stuck in my parking lot and had to miss work. Now this past week was by far the word week I've had at work since I've started almost two years ago so a day off wasn't the worst thing possible. The worst thing about it was the lazy maintenance staff and management of the apartment complex. I love how they choose not to clean snow until noon, really what good is it at noon. People have to go to work and if we're stuck till noon we've already had to take the day off!! I can't stand a neglectful landlord!! I can't wait to move from here. 

I digress, point being is that winter has never bothered me so much as it has this year. I wonder if a move to somewhere warm is in my future. Or maybe I just need someone to enjoy the winter months and festivities with. I can't imagine leaving Chicago, so maybe someone to enjoy this crazy weather with would be nice!! I really want to learn to snowboard, I need a partner in crime for that.

I had Christmas dinner at Denny's...

My family is great, only we can pull off Christmas Dinner at Denny's and make it fun. Christmas Eve is our regular extravagant dinner night and my mothers cooks up all her wonderful dishes. This year was nothing short of DELICIOUS like always. After a huge meal like that we all slink off to bed and sleep till about 10am to open our gifts. My grandparents who are conveniently located in the house right next door come for Christmas Eve dinner and for Christmas Day breakfast and present opening. On Christmas Day my mother, sister and I went to see my sisters grandmother and family (we have different dads), they're interesting people. Well that's putting it wrong, what's interesting is that they're all really rather boring actually. We showed up late because we had been relaxing after present opening and breakfast. When we finally arrived at the their house they'd already eaten (bastards), honestly it's ok my step father's mom is a icky cook. She tries to get all creative, and really I just want some normal good food that stays down!! So we get there late and we aren't even offered food. Immediately my sister and I are over it and ready to leave, but we stay for about an hour. After that we decided McDonalds would be the Christmas dinner of choice, only to find out that was CLOSED, seriously McDonalds closed...mortal sin! So we called Denny's and just like trusty ole Denny's they were open, we high tailed it out to Amherst and ate Denny's for Christmas dinner. I really think this should be our new Christmas dinner tradition. Who doesn't like to sit at Denny's and laugh at the most random people. My sister and I traded comments back and forth all night about this absolutely tragic family who we came to realize after being nosey ALL worked at Denny's. There was a daughter who looked 12, and had a pedophilish looking boyfriend. Her dad then walked in PLASTERED, he was apparently coming to pick up his daughter and his son who was doing dishes. Now if that isn't family bonding I don't know what is.

Black Friday=Bust!!

My sister and I got the CRAZY idea that doing the early Black Friday festivities would be fun.

2:48am Mom, Cal and I left the house (wtf I know).

3:30am First stop Old Navy. Usually they have awesome sweater deals and some cute stuff. I wasn't impressed at all. Mind you they're super affordable but on Black Friday I want deals and steals and nothing impressed me! Not only that but they had over 100 people in line it wrapped around the store twice. Ugh too crazy for us. See some of the happy campers in line below lol. Suckers!

4:00am We go to JCPennys its all that was open. We checked it out they had a few good deals, mom got a sweater. Then we realized nothing else was open and we were starving. We want to get breakfast and the McDonalds in the mall apparently doesn't do any bacon, egg and cheese bagel or biscuits. So off we went to Dennys which is in Berea/Middleburg Hts right by my Cal's school.

5:00am We get to Denny's to start our breakfast experience. So there are a few tables filled there, maybe 5 total and one waitress whose flippin' out with stress. Anyhow we sit there and the womans a nut and a horrible server. My mom, sister and I have all served so we know what busy is and we are very understanding but this woman was just bad and rude. She would tell new customers she's sit them in 10 minutes. What an idiot, she could of sat them and let them look at their menus. Just not a very bright woman. Anyhow while we were in there eating it started to SNOW...wet snow. Gross!! My first snow of the year was in Ohio with my family.

6:30am Back to the mall to check out regular stores the sales weren't great at all. Few stores had 30-50% off but it was of all their overpriced stuff. Boo I found no good deals that were really deals. I found one thing and it was full price. I needed a new bra and as always Victoria's Secret had no good deals. They think buy one get one half off is a good deal, but essentially your total then ends up being $70 for two bras and that just isn't my cup of tea!!

To summarize Black Friday...it sucked!! I think I'm getting a cold now and I got no deals or sleep. 

Update: Totally wasn't getting sick just lack of sleep + crabbiness=short lived runny nose! All in all I did enjoy the time with my family even if we didn't get to spend money!!